I feel as if I am falling into a hole. Or maybe I have been here this whole time and I am finally recognizing my surroundings. I don't know who I am.
I feel incredibly empty and alone. I feel as if I am surrounded by people who can't see me. Who can't see the real me, the me I hide behind artfully applied make-up. The me I hide behind this dead religion. the me that is screaming for real love and only receives a cheap imitation.
I need more thsn this. I need tobe fulfilled. I can't live with this gaping hole filled with emptiness.

Jon

I miss you. You have changed, maybe it's not a lot. But I miss your sincerity. Now you are hiding behind cynicism. I wish you would stop hiding. I know I don't have the answers but I'd still like to hear the questions. I still want to see the real you not this cheap imitation. I'm worried about you...seriously. I'm praying for you. I love you.

My Life...

When I was a baby, I was adopted. All I really know about my birth mom was that she was a prostitute, drug-abuser,and her name was Pam. I recently found out she called my mom after I was put under her(my adoptive mom) care and told her that she was coming back in three months to get me. But, she never came back... I still haven't really processed what that means to me. I don't know if it is something I should even care about...
Lately the thing that gets me is feeling tainted from birth as well as feeling unwanted. Like I wasn't worth her love. Everybody tells me to appreciate the fact that I have a good family that loves me now. they never really ask if I have a good family. They just assume my adopted mom has to love me because she adopted me. And on some level their assumption is valid...she does love me in her own way...but I have been realizing that broken messed up love cant sustain a person, it just makes it harder for them to understand real love. I mean, she loves me, but she also has said things to me that have wounded me so deeply and it wasn't like she didn't mean the things. She said them with the aim in mind to hurt me becaus she felt as if I had hurt her.

It sucks to realize that many times when I cut it was to heal the wounds that she inflicted. I don't want to blame her for my addiction...

I don't know...it's hard to transition from this point. There is definitely a lot more to tell... There is a bunch a stuff about God, it's just hard to talk about Him when I feel so lost and He seems so far away...

One of the things that scares me...I'm afraid of love...I am afraid that love will never come...I'm afraid that it will always be broken, abusive love...I'm afraid that my love will be weak and ineffective..

Well, I really need to go pack now...going home...whatever that means...because this place feels more like home that anywhere else...these people are my family...

Substance

Sometimes I feel like this me is more true than any other me I show people. This extremely broken girl with no clue how to cope with all the damage sin has wrought on her life. My own sin, the sins of those I love, the sins of those I'll never know. It all has affected me...made me into a girl who can't just cry to heal the pain...I have to bleed... this girl makes more sense than the girl who everybody calls sweet...I feel like I have more substance when I am like this...like I am more real...maybe I am addicted to my problems...maybe I like pain too much...maybe I am just a masochist...I don't really think that's true...but I think the hardest thing is to live...to get past all the things that hurt and to live...to love... to open yourself up to people wounding you... to breathe and to not cut...to live, not just survive...to seek healing, not just stuff the pain so far down inside that you almost forget it hurts...

maybe if I document how I feel I'll start feeling the need to do it less...

the most bizarre thought just ran across my mind as I plugged in my curling iron...what if I burned myself? I had to take a step back to make sure I didn't...I think I am losing it. The need to hurt myself seems to be huge...I wish I could push the escape key and do just that...

the hardest thing

the hardest thing right now is to not cut..because I am aching for sweet release...I am aching to see my blood flow... I am aching to quiet the screaming voices that say that this is the only way...I have no strength to say no... God, are you here? I feel so alone...I don't want to cut tonight...but I want to feel...something...

the cycle begins again

I cut myself...I cut myself and it felt good...It felt ike I was gaining control in the mess of my emotions. It felt as if I could breathe again. Before this, it had been a year since I cut. On one hand, I feel like a failure for losing control. But, on the other, I feel like cutting is the only way to have control. Ugh...but that's a lie. Cutting is a fragile way of life. I don't want to be a self-harmer. Or at least I don't want others to know I self harm... My best friend made me promise that I would tell him if I cut...so I did because I needed someone to cry with. I needed to just let a little of my pain show. But it was horrible. He's trying to take care of me the best way he knows. But I need to want to be taken care of. And his taking care of me is telling me what to do and...he just makes me so mad and I know I piss him off too. And I think what makes our fights about this ok is that I know he loves me...kinda.I mean sometimes I doubt it because I think I am unlovable and in those times when I am stubborn I think that he's gonna turn his back. In fact I half expect him to, to give up on me....I wouldnt hold it against him. Like the night I told him we had a hard conversation and I was crying and he just kept pushing, pushing me to face my fears, my issues. And we were getting nowhere and i told him that he should just leave because I was wasting his time...and he did. And that just had me crying even more...in the lobby no less where everyone could see.... But I'm tired of everyone knowing...I want to just act normal and happy to get them all off my back. Maybe I can pick up another method of coping...I've been thinking about it...maybe I can run or exercise...or write or scream...I'm scared that I will put on a facade and make everyone, including myself, think I am ok...I want to be able to cut without letting anyone know...I want to be able to deal without cutting... I don't know...