first fun weekend

I think this weekend was the first time I actualy had fun here...but the whole time I was smiling I was holding back my tears. I am always the "my life sucks" girl. I guess I can't help it. I am a victim...I am everything I never wanted to be...I hate my fucking existence...I don't think a lot of people know this but i hate the word "fuck" and when I use it that usually means that I'm pretty fucked up... I don't want to talk about it because you won't understand no matter how hard you try...you just won't. I don't even understand. I have messed up so fucking much and I just want it all to be better...She's so mad at me. and what I want to ask is what gives her the right...she is the reason I am so fucking messed up...why is it that the fact that I disappointed her, that I hurt her make me feel like shit...she hurt me so much for so long and I never said a word and she never apologised...she never cared...she never tried to tear down the wall...and I am supposed to be grateful...I am supposed to act like its all good...I am not allowed to hurt, to yell, to scream, to feel pain...God, I cannot do this...its like each day You add another brick...I want to bleed ...I want to be numb...I want to be loved...I want forgiveness...I want to stop saying fuck...because when i say it thats when I am hurting the most...