the cycle begins again

I cut myself...I cut myself and it felt good...It felt ike I was gaining control in the mess of my emotions. It felt as if I could breathe again. Before this, it had been a year since I cut. On one hand, I feel like a failure for losing control. But, on the other, I feel like cutting is the only way to have control. Ugh...but that's a lie. Cutting is a fragile way of life. I don't want to be a self-harmer. Or at least I don't want others to know I self harm... My best friend made me promise that I would tell him if I cut...so I did because I needed someone to cry with. I needed to just let a little of my pain show. But it was horrible. He's trying to take care of me the best way he knows. But I need to want to be taken care of. And his taking care of me is telling me what to do and...he just makes me so mad and I know I piss him off too. And I think what makes our fights about this ok is that I know he loves me...kinda.I mean sometimes I doubt it because I think I am unlovable and in those times when I am stubborn I think that he's gonna turn his back. In fact I half expect him to, to give up on me....I wouldnt hold it against him. Like the night I told him we had a hard conversation and I was crying and he just kept pushing, pushing me to face my fears, my issues. And we were getting nowhere and i told him that he should just leave because I was wasting his time...and he did. And that just had me crying even more...in the lobby no less where everyone could see.... But I'm tired of everyone knowing...I want to just act normal and happy to get them all off my back. Maybe I can pick up another method of coping...I've been thinking about it...maybe I can run or exercise...or write or scream...I'm scared that I will put on a facade and make everyone, including myself, think I am ok...I want to be able to cut without letting anyone know...I want to be able to deal without cutting... I don't know...