My Life...

When I was a baby, I was adopted. All I really know about my birth mom was that she was a prostitute, drug-abuser,and her name was Pam. I recently found out she called my mom after I was put under her(my adoptive mom) care and told her that she was coming back in three months to get me. But, she never came back... I still haven't really processed what that means to me. I don't know if it is something I should even care about...
Lately the thing that gets me is feeling tainted from birth as well as feeling unwanted. Like I wasn't worth her love. Everybody tells me to appreciate the fact that I have a good family that loves me now. they never really ask if I have a good family. They just assume my adopted mom has to love me because she adopted me. And on some level their assumption is valid...she does love me in her own way...but I have been realizing that broken messed up love cant sustain a person, it just makes it harder for them to understand real love. I mean, she loves me, but she also has said things to me that have wounded me so deeply and it wasn't like she didn't mean the things. She said them with the aim in mind to hurt me becaus she felt as if I had hurt her.

It sucks to realize that many times when I cut it was to heal the wounds that she inflicted. I don't want to blame her for my addiction...

I don't know...it's hard to transition from this point. There is definitely a lot more to tell... There is a bunch a stuff about God, it's just hard to talk about Him when I feel so lost and He seems so far away...

One of the things that scares me...I'm afraid of love...I am afraid that love will never come...I'm afraid that it will always be broken, abusive love...I'm afraid that my love will be weak and ineffective..

Well, I really need to go pack now...going home...whatever that means...because this place feels more like home that anywhere else...these people are my family...